


Five People Sirius Black Never Wanted

by mistykasumi (oultrepreu)



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: 1000-3000 words, 5 Things, Incest, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-07
Updated: 2006-12-07
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:16:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oultrepreu/pseuds/mistykasumi





	Five People Sirius Black Never Wanted

i. Lily

Sirius is reminded of Andromeda when he first meets Lily Evans. They are not that alike because Andromeda is a Black and Lily is not, and that makes all the difference, but Lily has the same spirit Andromeda has, that same flame whispering inside her, just waiting for a chance to break free. He thinks _Andromeda would like her_, but Andromeda has been disowned for a few years now, and Sirius does not know where she is.

Sirius does not expect to be sorted into Gryffindor with Lily. He does not expect to be sorted into Gryffindor at all, and there is a hush when he is, immediately followed by a hubbub. Sirius does not look at Narcissa, whom he saw sitting at the Slytherin table earlier.

Lily is vivacious in the same way Andromeda had been, the way only Andromeda had been in his family, but she is not Andromeda's replacement. She cannot be because she does not have the Black look. She does not have the curve of a Black cheek, the edge of a Black wrist, the infinite darkness of the Black eyes, and even though Andromeda has never really been a Black, she still looked like one.

Lily is Lily, and Sirius appreciates her for herself. When James begins to fancy her, though, Sirius lets her go because he will not fight over a girl with his best mate, because he would not have cared for Lily if she had not reminded him of Andromeda.

ii. Remus

Remus is not Lily, and Sirius does not want him to be. Lily has a sheer force of personality, and Remus does not. Remus has his own quiet way of saying things, and Sirius learns to appreciate it against the backdrop of Lily, who is not afraid to let anyone know what she thinks.

Moony is the perfect companion for Padfoot. The first time Padfoot sees Remus in wolf form, he feels the longing clawing at him. Beautiful and sleek, wolf to dog, and it is an old song that has always existed, Padfoot knows.

When they run together on the grounds of Hogwarts, Sirius feels like he's at home the way he has never felt at 12 Grimmauld Place. It is a thrill to feel the wind brush through his fur, Moony by his side the way Prongs and Wormtail can never be, and Sirius can almost be convinced that this is what is right. Blood has no meaning here, and there is nothing attached to the name Black. It is what Sirius has always been looking for, and it is only with Remus. But Sirius is loyal to James before anything else, and he is forced to lose this.

Years later, Sirius still feels the same way when he is next to Remus, but there are too many unresolved things between them. They have already moved into 12 Grimmauld Place when they finally sort everything out, and it is too late by then. The memories of Grimmauld Place have taken over Sirius.

iii. Hermione

Hermione reminds Sirius of both Lily and Remus. The situation between Harry, Ron, and her resembles the situation of his own school days in a lot of ways. She is Lily when she fights for what she believes in, and she is Remus when she is around books and the boys. She is Hermione when Sirius faces her, though, because she cannot be Remus or Lily when she is with him.

Sirius does not ever mistake her for either Lily or Remus. She is not outspoken enough to be Lily, has none of Lily's fire, and she is not calm enough to be Remus, does not have his ability for quiet rebuke. Hermione is her own person, and Sirius recognizes that in the same way he recognizes the difference between Lily and Andromeda. Hermione does not have Lily's spirit, and Lily did not have Andromeda's blood, Sirius's blood.

Hermione is still a mix of Remus and Lily when she talks, though, just enough to make Sirius nostalgic, and having her would be the closest he can get to having two of the things he never could. But Sirius has his values, and he is not stupid. Hermione is Hermione, and she will not bring back either Lily or Remus.

Sirius would not want to bring back Lily or Remus that way.

iv. Draco

The first person Sirius thinks of when he sees Draco Malfoy is Narcissa. He has the typical Malfoy hair and eyes, but Sirius recognizes the Black bone structure in the point of his nose, the jut of his chin. Narcissa had always carried those features the best out of their whole family.

Narcissa was the only one of his cousins he never could relate to, and maybe, because of that, she was also the only cousin he ever felt any sort of attraction to. Draco Malfoy is who Narcissa could have been, had she been a boy and a Malfoy. Only in appearance, though, because the resemblance disappears when Malfoy opens his mouth and speaks. Narcissa had always spoken in a cold, elegant voice. Sirius has not seen or heard her for a very long time, but he is sure she still does, and Draco Malfoy's will never come close.

Draco Malfoy will never come close to the paragon of Black perfection Narcissa is, but he resembles her enough that Sirius feels the attraction when he is near. It is almost like he is a newly-teenaged boy again, attending one of those soirees to which his family was always invited, and Narcissa is near him, distant and beautiful and disdainful like a goddess, and Sirius wants her.

Malfoy is not Narcissa, and he never will be. But he is from her flesh and blood, and that is close enough for Sirius.

v. Regulus

Regulus is the only person in his family he has ever loved, if Sirius wants to be honest with himself, and he is also Sirius's only regret when he leaves his family for James's. When Sirius thinks of Regulus, he always remembers his last glimpse of Regulus at 12 Grimmauld Place as he left it for what he thought was forever.

Regulus had asked him to stay, and Sirius did not look at him when he said no. But Sirius had turned back to close the door, and he still remembers the summer sun lighting up half of Regulus, the sharp blade of one collar bone escaping his robe, a sweep of hair falling into Regulus's eyes, the only eyes that could ever make him weaker than Narcissa's can.

But Sirius does not stop, and he will forever regret that. Sirius does not see Regulus like that again, open and accessible, those eyes on him the way they had been in the past, darkly intense and waiting. Sirius had said no before, and now he can say nothing at all.

It is Regulus he sees when he falls through the Veil. Regulus at fifteen, with the sun in his black hair, knife of a smirk on his Black face, the dip of his collar bone open and inviting, and this time, Sirius says yes.

06.12.07


End file.
